Albums of the Decade, year by year.

Indie bum-boys NME have just announced that The Strokes "Is This It?" is the album of the 00's. I personally have alot of time for The Strokes and their first 2 albums (especially Room on Fire) but I thought since my music taste isn't so fucking obvious I thought I would run down what I think are the best albums of the decade, year by year, before choosing one to put at the top. Eep!

Now, if you think the pinnacle of cinema is Twilight and the pinnacle of music is Sex on Fire, you can quite frankly, stop reading here.

By the way, I now have FIVE FUCKING FOLLOWERS! Get me. Thanky'all.

Here we go.

2000 - Deftones/White Pony.

Now, Deftones were my all time favourite band for a few years, and this is their best album, hands down. They keep all the drop G heavy shit going on this one, but throw in a bit of atmosphere for good measure, dull, dense, and fucking brilliant. Plus, Maynard from Tool is on here!

Runner up - Radiohead/Kid A
Shittest album - Pearl Jam/Binaural

2001 - Tool/Lateralus.

Second only to Metallica's "Master of Puppets" as the greatest metal album of all time. That is all.

Runner up - Jimmy Eat World/Bleed American
Shittest album - Michael Jackson/Invincible

2002 - Counting Crows/Hard Candy

Now, the Crows have their critics, and they certainly deserved them after appearing in that gay Pepsi commerical in 2002, but this album, is just simply gorgeous pop. They're known for being a bit miserable, and lyrically it's not all Rainbows and Blowjobs here, but the music is that upbeat (without being trite) and brilliantly produced you forget all about that. I've spent many a drunken evening riding around on my bike to this record, and loved every fucking second.

Runner up - Dream Theater/Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence
Shittest album - Justin Timberlake/Justified

2003 - Death Cab For Cutie/Transatlanticism

Now, I can't fucking STAND the early Death Cab stuff, the whole lo-fi indie thing is about as appealing as incest to me, and whilst there is still some of that here, Death Cab starting using atmospheric production to make an album as opposed to a bunch of songs thrown together. If you've just been dumped and plan on spending your evening feeling sorry for yourself, look no further man!

Runner up - John Mayer/Heavier Things
Shite - The White Stripes/Elephant

2004 - Incubus/A Crow Left Of The Murder

Again, although everyone is all "SCIENCE LOL", I can't fucking STAND early Incubus, because they manage to rob everything Mike Patton did in Faith No More/Mr Bungle and throw it over some horrible nu-metal esque riffage. Thankfully, after Make Yourself in 1999 Incubus found their inner pop-writers and started writing just solid fuckin' rock songs, as Morning View shown. Here, they keep their pop-stylings but throw in a fat wedge of 70's Floyd meets King Crimson prog-rock and the results are killer! Drawn out solo's, odd time signatures mixed in withamazing pop tunes like Talk Shows on Mute, pisses all over everything else they, or any of their rivals have ever done. No question.

Runner up - Jimmy Eat World/Futures
Steaming Poo - The Arcade Fire/Funeral (felt like it listening to this dirge).

2005 - Opeth/Ghost Reveries

2005 was one of my all time favourite years for music so this was well 'ard, but eventually I went with my good buddies Opeth. Opeth are basically the soundtrack to watching a witch-burning. And this album makes me want to light up a piece of timber and join in it's that bloody good!

Runner up - Porcupine Tree/Deadwing
Massive chonging poo - Dream Theater/Octavarium

2006 - Saosin/Saosin

Now, 2006 was a shit hot year for music too so this was equally tough.
Saosin are the only sort've post-hardcore band (i.e Billy Talent, Alexisonfire) that I give a flying fuck about, because instead of writing concept albums about the four fucking elements like those posh-boys in Thrice did, they keep it simple. They churn out the riffs, go sick on the drums, and keep the mood high, and just simply rock the fuck out. There's a danger when your singer goes above a D5 that you might sound like you're in fucking Dragonforce, but this guys probably got the best voice out of the lot too. The albums over before you know it too, 12 songs in 41 minutes. Even Weezer would be proud of that shit!

Runner up - Mastodon/Blood Mountain
Rubbish - Muse/Black Holes and Revelations

2007 - Between the Buried and Me/Colors

2007 was the ultimate in polarisation for me, there was some unbelievable peaks and alot of absolute fucking trifle, and Colors for me is the ultimate example of a band simply putting every other release that year to shame.
I like my music in 2 forms, unapologetic simple pop (no fucking gay gimics or pretentiousness like Florence and the Machine with their 12 members), or, music that is completely off it's tits, i mean, stuff that you just can not get your head around complex. BTBAM fit the second bill, this album is one, continuous 64 minute song that skates through genres like nobodies business, can't explain it, just try listening to them without having chest pains is all I can say. Their new record released this year is amazing too, but no metal album since has or ever will top this one I think, pure fucking bliss.

Runner up - The Dillinger Escape Plan/Ire Works
Shite - plenty to choose from, but i'll go with Chris Cornell/Carry On.

2008 - Panic At The Disco/PrettyOdd.

The first Panic album is probably the 2nd greatest party record evahhh (the first belonging to Steel Panther's Feel The Steel, lul whut?). So when this was released everyone got their knickers in a twist cause it didn't have any of that, instead Panic came out sounding like The Beatles circa '67. Now, simply, I could give my left nut to sound half as good as that, and these guys manage to make the most gloriously over-the-top pop record since Prince's Love Symbol album 16 years earlier, not a dull moment on here, perfect summer record.

Runner up - Weezer/The Red Album
Utter crap - Laura Marling/Alas I Cannot Swim

2009 - Taking Back Sunday/New Again.

TBS is a band that have gotten simply better with every release, I think their first album is shite, Where You Want To Be was great, Louder Now was even better, and now this. Can't really say much man, they've just hit an unstoppable peak, and the last song, Everything Must Go, is snuggles up to God Only Knows as one of my all-time favourite songs. Forget the emo tags and just listen to it, these guys are fucking class.

Runner up - Saosin/In Search of Solid Ground
Unbelievable fucking garbage - John Mayer/Battle Studies.

That is all yo, I know this is long, but was for personal gratification, and thus, I practically have a semi-on.

I'm in the bath.

I shit you not man, my new thing is doing work in the bathtub, with water in, of course. I pull up a little table from the dining room, place my laptop on it, hook it up, crank some tunes, hit the lights, and do whatever.
So this week, from the confines of my bathtub, listening to Jimmy Eat World's "Clarity" (one of my all time favourite records), completely and utterly nude. I shall rant. No bubblebath this week though, is that gay or not? I could never really guess if being surrounded by Radox made you a bit of a batty boy?

I'm sorry if the thought of my being completely stark bollock has no doubt caused the fucking strawberry frappucino you probably had at lunch to come back up, but whatever, i've never exactly been normal have I?

Anyway, onwards and upwards, we shall go.

NUMBER FUCKING 1.

I can NOT stress enough how much I hate it when people use the 1st person on their Facebook status. I mean come on, it's probably been at LEAST 12 months since you've had Facebook and you're STILL making this fucking mistake? You know instead of wondering why you're in the fucking dole queue you could perhaps wonder why you didn't pay attention in English? It wasn't all Shakespeare you know? you actually DID learn some decent life lessons in that class. But hey, what am I saying, I only got a B.

Since i'm so rippin', i'll give y'all a couple examples of why people are just so, so wrong. Kkz lol? These will just randomly be plucked off of Facebook, none of that fabricated shit, I can prove with examples how fucking dumb some people are. (Helen, I assume you'll get passed this problem now, so don't get offended k babez?)

...I'll use a fake name incase I get decked by their no doubt pink v-neck wearing flip-flop lovingeventhoughit'swinter scumbag boyfriend.

Laura Jones can't believe i've locked John's keys in my car!

Now, it is beyond me how people DO NOT see how this looks like somebody has logged onto "laura's" profile, and started talking about laura's opinion of an act you've just done.
Facebook asks what YOU are up to, not what some random person who's account you've logged onto thinks of you. K? Fuck's sake. I could be employed by the grammar Police.

Now of course, the correct answer would be.

Laura Jones can't believe SHE'S locked John's keys in HER car.

Sorry, I just had to get that out, again. I think i've already posted about this, but whatever. I write about whatever I pissing well want and somehow you people read it, huzzah!

John Mayer's new record is shit, I mean utter shit.

Now, i've gotten into watching Betty Crocker videos on how to make cakes. It all started when I saw that Betty Crocker ad on T.V where this annoying little fucking toddler waxes lyrical about how much he loves cake. Have you seen it?

"I JUST LOVE MAKING CAKE ARGHHHHH!!! mmm cake!...seriously! cake yeah woo!" isn't far off what it's actually like. Little bastard.

Anyway, ever since I saw that ad I've been taking the piss out of Lee for it cause we always skit him for being a bit of a cake lover, even though he isn't in the slightest, but it's just what we do. So, I youtubed the shit out of it but came across these cake making videos instead.

I've been fascinated ever since man, I shit you not, they're so bad, but I can't look away. They star these basic 50's throwback housewives that show you how to make stuff like rubber ducky cakes, and train cakes for your kid's birthday. I'll throw you a link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANMo1SzA8nA

Now, i've never really been one for cake. But that domestic badass Liv Hansen makes me wish she was my mum when I was a kid. Imagine coming home to a fucking space ship cake dude? That would be beyond killer.

The one thing about all of these videos is that in EVERY one it's basically the same thing. She starts off with a basic cake shape or whatever, throws some icing on there, then decorates it with sweets, but everytime the co-host Laurie Gelman (who's got that kinda, i'd let you make me a cake hot mum thing going on) pretends to act SO intriuged. And everytime Liv says that she's making a crumb coat (which seals in any loose crumbs before your final coat, oh yes) and then Laurie puts on her little inquisitive face and is all "lul whuts a crumb coat lid?" and Liv answers in a similarly faux-manner. Wonderful acting.

So to sum up, I have spent many a day watching these video's instead of doing any of my assignments, which is pretty bad, I don't know why I watch them man. They're just so....mourish!

I think that'll do for now. I need to actually use the bath to you know...wash and stuff. In the meantime, here's the most fucked up song you'll probably ever hear.

Mr Bungle - Desert Search For Techno Allah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhz7a5w7V0Y

This will silence all you people that say "I listen to everything really!".
No, you don't. You haven't got any Arabian Techno on your iPod have you?

Anyways, peace out.

Mmm...Biscuits!

Howdy kids, I'm back. I've set my font to my usual of Trebuchet MS and ctrl-I'd that shit so my writing is all nice and slanty. So, I am ready to write.

However, since returning to University and still rehearsing and gigging more times than Soft Mick, I am running around like a blue-arsed fly, thus rendering me with no time to think about lol-worthy stuff to put into this blog, cause afterall, funny is all i have. That and an uncanny ear for a cracking melody line. Jol.

So, having not been inspired since late August I think i'm just gonna go on our best mate Facebook and poke fun at all the stuff that really grinds-my-fucking-gears, prepare for a shout fest.

Firstly, however, to show that I am a cultured and intelligent young man, I shall get the current event shit out of the way. And by that I mean the lol-fest that was Question Time last night.
Now, I consider myself to be quite conservative, my course @ University is based upon critical thinking and looking at alternative views, which I enjoy. However, the amount of people that take that as "lets be as fucking liberal as possible and disspell everything" really gets on my wick, man. So despite going through a spell where I actually read the Guardian, I am back to my right wing death penalty loving ways. Yum!
So, anyway, I took great pleasure watching people get SO worked up over Nick Griffin last night, the guy could have sneezed and someone would have stuck there fucking hand up and said it was offensive to ethnic minorites.
I do not follow or support the BNP despite my often ultra right wing views on stuff simply because in this day and age his theories and policies are laughable, but despite this, the guy is fucking mint at giving speeches most of the time, his oratory is so good (as it should be when you're talking about such extreme things) that you nearly believe the fucker sometimes, but last night, this wasn't there, he couldn't get points across, he kept nervously twitching and laughing when people made fun of him and overall it made him come across as a major amateur. Disappointing, purely because if he composed himself better the show would have been 10 times as funny as it already was (the sight of liberals shitting their pants is my idea of comedy gold, and there was plenty of that last night).
It is incredible how Jack Straw with his 30 years of experience STILL can't string a fucking sentence together though, wow.
So, just incase this gets mis-interpreted, I do not support the BNP in any shape or form, but I do find the reactions from people utterly utterly hilarious. That Bonnie woman (I think) that was to Nick's left last night got it right, she kept calm and presented her arguments in a good manner, instead of shaking like a shitting dog with rage. So, respect, even though usually I can't fucking stand her either.

Anyway, there's the serious part over, maybe Heat Magazine will employ me?

So, it's time for the (hopefully) funny bits, I hope you relate to them, if not you do them yourself and therefore you can bugger off :)

Right, why "like" your own status?
You've written the pissing thing yourself so subconciously you like it anyway so why back it up with the little "like" button and make me want to die?
It's the best when (primarily) girls write a status regarding a relationship that's just ended or they're just generally pissed of with my sex. Like...

Person X - is beta without him!!1
"Person X likes this"

YOU GO GIRL!...and then usually her mates will jump in with plenty of x's and comforting words like "wine", "chocolate" and "pissed", throw in a "lol" too for good measure.

It reminds me of the feckless tramps that will go on fucking Ricki Lake and keep shouting "girlfriend" to there mate that's just been dumped with a baby on the way or something.

You'll find over the years if you get to know me I get worked up over such stupid little things that will affect me in no way at all, I just like to rant. It's good for the heart.

I'm the kind of person that likes to have everything ordered and worked out in his head, it's why i like lists, I like stuff being in a definitive order, prime case of OCD methinks. Therefore, if you've noticed on my facebook profile I have all of my views and favourite things in a complete order. I don't like it when people are vague. And as I saw a profile of a girl I used to go to school with before, she managed to sum up why I hate her in only a few sentences. Efficient.

So under your name, networks and marital status and shit, it says Political and Religious views right? No word of a lie, this is what this girls profile says.

Political Views - I dnt undastand wot tht means x
Firstly, putting the x on there doesn't stop me from wanting to punch a wall, and why miss out ONE letter from a word?? "tht"? It's EASIER to put the fucking A in, my lord.

The thing about that that pisses me off the most is that she obviously doesn't know that we vote who we want elected in this country (she probably thinks that democracy is some kind of hair product) but I bet you pound for a piece of shit she's on the lets take the piss out of whoevers in charge bandwagon, mmm, contradiction!

She then goes on to state that her favourite pastimes are "the girlies, drink, shoppin n lads!". Look love, I'm sure your parents are proud that you've probably got a fucking BTEC in hairdressing but sort it out will you?

Haha! I've just also seen this classic, you know in the little box you have under your picture where you can just put a little blurb about whatever, she's put this little peach.

"doesnt understand why all men r nob eds".
The fact that you clearly have the personality of a door doesn't help love, I can tell you that.

My number one blog fan Faye has everything in order (and korectlee spelllt!) on her profile, and for that reason, i will eternally love her. See, do some things right and you can work your way into my cold, cold heart.

I think I shall leave it there for this week, as usual when I don't write for a while I waffle on and on like a fucking war veteran (I've seen explosions too mate!!). So, bye bye.

Charlie S
x.

Public Enemies.

Now then, i'll throw in a disclaimer here simply stating that I will be relaying my opinion of this film onto you, my loyal readers, so don't be all ner ner disappointed if you don't laugh, after all, my dream job at one point was to be a film critic, so here i'll flex my cinematic muscles, hopefully they won't be as puny as my real muscles. Lul.

So, Public Enemies.
The latest film from one of all my all time favourite directors, Michael Mann. "Heat" has been my favourite film for well over a decade now, and quite frankly nothing else comes even close to it in my book, but even so, Mann has directed some absolute belters, "Collateral", "The Insider" and "Last of The Mohicans" are all splendid films too, however, in 05' he somehow lost it and made a torrid fucking film adaptation of "Miami Vice" which was about as entertaining as a Russell Howard stand up, that's right I went there.

I thought that "Miami Vice" was just gonna be a tiny little red cross on an otherwise impeccable film CV, however, much to my motherfucking chagrin, he's gone and made another rubbish film! Fucks Sake Michael!

Now, it's nowhere near as bad as Vice was, and it certainly isn't as bad as the summer tosh that is storming up the charts right now (Transformers 2, I haven't even seen it to know it's bad) but it is frightening how much this film falls short. In almost every aspect it is lacking, big time. Let's talk about its biggest problem first, the cinematography.

Once again, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Mann chose to shoot the film in the sort of Blair Witch meets Cloverfield hand held style that was used to great effect in "Collateral". The style has become increasingly popular since Paul Fucking Greengrass used the technique more times than i can bloody well count in the second Borne film. Now, this technique worked incredibly well in "Collateral" because the film was set in the present day, it was fast paced, frenetic and incredibly stylish, without losing any of Mann's trademarks. It also worked because a good 50% of the film was based in a taxi cab, not a bunch of grandiose set pieces.

However, this film is set in 1933, not 2009. There are massive set pieces all over the show and there is an epic feel to the film, it clocks in at nearly 2 and a half hours for starters, not to mention the costumes, the sets, the music, the cast. On paper, this is an epic. And yet it is filmed like a friggin' fly on the wall documentary. If you're trying to make an epic, film it like one. Just imagine is Paul Thomas Anderson filmed "There Will Be Blood" on his neighbours 8mm? Something tells me that wouldn't have worked.

Second of all, the acting. Mann's casts are usually stellar, even though "Miami Vice" was a total snorefest it wasn't cause of the acting I can tell you that. Johnny Depp is his usual dark, broody iwontgiveyouanycluesaboutmycharacter self, which in turn means that he plays one of the most eccentric and genius criminal masterminds of recent memory in the dullest manner possible. If John Dillinger was a fictional character and he played it like that no fucker would have remembered him, I can also tell you that, we're talking about a criminal who escaped from jail using a model gun made out of soap, and they picked Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands mode to play him, snore.

Christian Bale has seemingly forgotten how to give a decent performance, the last film he made that I really gave a shit about was "Harsh Times".

Marion Cotillard mainly spent her time looking confused and/or disappointed, it was hard to tell if she was acting or if she was genuinely disappointed that she was involved in such a dire film.

Infact, the only actors who had a bit of personality to them (Giovanni Ribisi & the ever awesome Stephen Graham) had their parts restricted to mere minutes, meaning that the majority of the film was spent under the eye of mind numbing performances from otherwise terrific actors.

The 1973 "Dillinger" starring Warren Oates is ten times the film this is, go watch that if you have any interest in the story at all.

4/10, go watch "Heat" instead.

The Jeremy Kyle Show

Even though I have so much free time due to Uni being out/no fucker employing me/no rehearsal I still like to get up at 9:25 every morning to get my daily dose of this magnificent show, now, I know what you're thinking, how can I possibly like this show considering that I nearly as snobby as Frasier & Niles Crane combined?

This, combined with the fact that ole Jezza is a bit of an annoying tit should mean that I hate this show, you're nearly right, I have a big Love/Hate/Love relationship with this programme. The shameless Alice in Chains quote aside, I shall try and explain the premise of this show and my opinions on it, in a completely ball bustingly funny way, cause I am hilarious like that...right :)?? Answers in an email.

So, it's like any old early morning talk show. No, it's not as unintenionally hilarious as Jerry Springer, it's not as awesomely awesome as the Montel show (man I love that guy) but it's certainly better than the snorefest that is The Trisha Goddard Show, which is about as fun to watch as a loved one be autopsied...Ricki Lake was pretty good though...

I'm loving ellipses at the moment, can you tell?

Before I even talk about the show I have to talk about how much I fucking hate the sponsers ad's of this show. They are provided by some Bingo company of which I forget the name, but man do they piss me off, they mostly feature a bunch of talentless fat slags in very unflattering bathing suits doing completly off the wall hilarious things such as jumping into a pool full of balls, and worst of all is the one that preceeds the show. It features some feckless scumbag wearing a facemask with cucumber over her eyes, which she then eats in a completly fucking gay mischievious manner, and to add insult to injury, a pathetic slogan is inserted over the top. It says:

"For girls who KNOW how to have fun!!1"

'Cause eating cucumber is fucking SO much fun right? I mean I always though stuff like skydiving or bear hunting was fun, but no, this woman shows us that eating fucking cucumber is fun. Good lord. I think the slogan for all Bingo should be.

"Bingo, the Working Class way to piss your benefits away!" Rhymed.

And speaking of bad slogans, whats up with the one for BBC I-Player?

As I'm sure you know, the I-player is a programme on the beeb's website which allows you to watch shows in the week that you might have missed. So right, you've missed the show you normally watch and you're catching up by watching it on the internet, and the slogan is...

"BBC I-Player, making the unmissable, unmissable".

But...surely if it was unmissable you wouldn't have missed it in the first place? Thus rendering this slogan an epic fail?

This country.

Anyways, back to Jeremy Kyle.

So, every day a bunch of jew fucks go on the show to try and sort out their bullshit problems, most of the time you can't tell these people apart I swear to God, they are mostly from places like Accrington, Burnley, Preston, you know, those places where the accents of their residents make you want to hit a child.

They all wear terrible clothes, terrible shoes, they more often than not have a tattoo, which is 9/10 the name of their good for nothing child that couldn't make a spark if he rubbed his two fucking IQ points together. Now, I don't like to generalise but you can with this show and pound for a piece of shit you will be correct, the names of the kids for instance, you can bet that their names are out of Chavvy Kids Names 101, which they probably stole from the library anyway, you name it, they're all there. Wayne, Dwayne, Shane, Waynetta, Chantelle, Leighton (Bainesy is the ONLY person who can get away with that name)

Speaking of which, does anyone think I look like Leighton Baines?

http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=Leighton%20Baines&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

We have the same hair line at least.

My font as changed and I don't know how to change it back, but nevermind. Onwards we go.

The other thing you can pretty much GUARANTEE on this show is how the guys look, you know when you see really "chavvy" people they more often than not have that haircut which is usually a number 3/4 with a short fringe that is gelled down to fuck? They all have this cut, it's like Jeremy Kyle got all of these people from Rent-a-Prick.

And not ONCE have I seen a person that I would consider remotely attractive, hell even the people in the crowd look like they've been dicked in the eye with the thick stick. Have any of you ever seen any member of the opposite sex on this programme that you thought looked half decent? Let me know if you do I am very intruiged.

The only reason I love this show is how good it makes me feel, no matter how bad life gets, I know that I will never have it as bad as these trollops, so to that end, thanks for the confidence Jezza!

But I also love how this programme gives a well educated and well to do fella like Jeremy Kyle the chance to literally rip the shit out of people that are about as useful as a dick-flavoured lollipop. You can see most of the time when the people are getting so pissed off it looks like they'll attack him, but they can't do a thing, ahhh, security. One of the highlights of the show is when Kyle himself tries to sum up a case, he makes such obvious statements such as "IF YOU DIDN'T WANT A CHILD YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT PAL!" or "BLUE IS A COLOUR MATE!" or "Everton are the best yeah!" and when he does the crowd erupts into applause like he's just cracked who offed JFK.

I really don't like how I can't change my font now, there is usually a font tab at the top of my page but it's fucked off and it's giving my OCD something to shout about. Grr.

So that's about it, the perfect show to watch when you're eating your Crunchy Nut Cornflakes in the morning, and when it's finished you can go about your day knowing that you've at least got something going for you. So for that, I salute you Jeremy Kyle, even though I hate the way you shake hands with crowd members as if you haven't done that shot about 4 times over.

Listen to these.

1. Mr Bungle - The Girls of Porn

2. Taylor Swift - Love Story

3. Dashboard Confessional - Clean Breaks

4. Dream Theater - Wither

5. The Mars Volta - Since We've Been Wrong

6. Saosin - Why Can't You See

7. Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too!

8. Taking Back Sunday - Where My Mouth Is

9. Porcupine Tree - Wedding Nails

10. Michael Jackson - all.

Love y'all.

x.

RIP

I remember listening to "Thriller" on cassette in my dad's car back in the early 90's wondering if the song lengths were the time of day they were recorded. Divvy.

I grew up listening to The Beatles to be honest but like pretty much every kid I knew, we all had time for MJ.

I'm listening to "Off The Wall" right now and i'll knock all of his records out today, however good bad or ugly his personal life became, there ain't much music that makes me grin like MJ's...

"Bad" is still one of my all time favourite records.

RIP Speed Demon

New Again

If any of you know what the title of this post refers too, you'll hopefully know that it's a kick ass record yes? If not, wikipedia is your fwend.

Hiya! It's been close to a month since my last one, and I know that I say this on most posts I make, but what the fuck, some people have actually ASKED for an update, so here I am, little old popular me...

I actually jotted some little things down when I was in Southport yesterday so hopefully this one will have a bit more structure to it, just like a lovely essay. I'm shit at conclusions though so it will simply be a tracks of the month type deal, again.

So, I think the right person won The Apprentice, without coming across as a dirty sex pest, I definately think that Yasmina has much more spunk than Kate, which will fit in more in Surallun's business, so that's cool. I have to admit also that I found Yasmina ridiculously attractive, Kate is clearly the most obviously pretty one of the bunch, but she's just...too pretty, i'd constantly feel rubbish if I was with her cause every tom dick & harry who saw us would indeed wonder why some skinny ugly bint scored that. Not that I ever would like.

I'll be honest I found alot of the women on The Apprentice attractive. Firstly, alot of people know that I had a full on fixation with the ginger brummy one, even if she was from Walsall, the home of devastation. Mona scrubbed up well when she got rid of the string beans on top of her head and on occasion Debra looked okay, like when she was on You're Fired, I hope some of you agree with me or else I'll look like a right uncompromising twat.

The one thing we can all agree on though was Lorraine, no question there, she's clearly been shat out of the ugly toad.

This made me laugh today, it was quite failblog ish, you know when you sign on Facebook and there's the "highlights" part on the right of your screen where it shows you the dickheads that become fans of such things as "giggling" and "The Inbetweeners". As I logged on today I was greeted with -

"Biggest Group Attempt in the World!!!" - 4 friends joined.

How very drole.

Do you reckon anybody in Dream Theater has the balls to tell Mike Portnoy that his lyrics are shit?

Anyways, once again this week I was heavily disappointed by another girl. Now over the past 6 months or so I have been cancelled/forgotten by...8 girls I believe. I had asked these girls on a date, to which they agreed, before them letting me know that it wasn't gonna happen, here's the reasons i've been given...

- "I'm not gonna come tonight :)" - The smiley was there, I swear to God.
- "I'm quite busy" - we all are darling, don't agree to go on a date with me then, terrorhawk.
- "I don't think it's a good idea" - Thankyou.
- "I missed my train lets leave it :)" - ..."stopping off at, rejection, disappointment, backstabbing central and shattered dreams parkway"
- "I thought it was tomorrow" - Bet you did.
- "Can we rearrange I have an exam" - That you DIDN'T know about for 3 months?
- "I'm tired i'm just gonna go home"

And on 2 occasions I simply didn't hear from the girl. There, that's 9 times i've been fully devastated by boobie people. And as you can imagine, this has done wonders for my self esteem :)...not.

This is how ruptured my tolerance level's for girls has become, in Heebie Jeebies the other night, as I was leaving, I was walking through the congregation (members of the "I'm a typical boring, drunk cunt church) when some girl literally grabbed ahold of me (a very pretty girl at that) and said "I LOVE your T-shirt!". With her hands still on me, i lifted mine up in the air like I was under arrest, said "thankyou very much" and left. Now, I know that she only grabbed me to tell me about my shirt, which isn't exactly "Fancy a shag?". But, if I had any interest in women anymore I might have blurted out something completely horny as "well...you should see me without my shirt on lul ;)". But I didn't, I think it's gotten to a point now where my penis has actually fell off, rendering me asexual like some kind of plant, or smurf...

I applied for a job in HMV yesterday, now many will tell you, due to the fact that I actually fucking BUY cd's & dvd's, and have an OCD with regards to how they are stored (alphabetically, oh yes) within my collection, that I am a rather brilliant candidate for this job. But, once again, knowing my luck, some hopped up indie cunt/chavvy slag will get the job, probably because they downloaded The Script's album at 128kps and declared it as their favourite album evarrrrr!

If this is the case, I will walk into the HMV, find the new employee and ask them this...

"...Hi :), i'm trying to buy a present for a friend of mine, he's really into progressive tech music, could you recommend some bands for me?"

I doubt they'll tell me that Meshuggah's "Destroy/Erase/Improve" is the seminal work in the area, but they'll be more than happy to tell me how much they enjoy the new Kings of Leon album.

I'm finding myself watching R Kelly's "hip-opera" "Trapped in the Closet", I thought 85 minutes of one groove and chord progression would get fucking boring, but man, there's something about this that makes me wanna keep watching. Crazy fucker. Youtube it, it'll stick in your mind like Chocolate Rain did. Whoever commissioned that one at Jive Records must be on something hella good.

Right, why buy a Hot Chocolate in Starbucks? - like the post below, I said that it's silly to do so when you're in a coffee shop, but the thing is, they use Cadburys Chocolate Powder and mix it with Whole Milk, something that would cost you £2 less if you went to a little café that did the same thing. This country.

"Please vote Green, make the country Green!" - And now the country is awash with Conservative Blue, victory.

Well, that's me for this week. Spotify these.

1. Faith No More - Stripsearch
2. Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
3. Taking Back Sunday - New Again
4. Jimmy Eat World - 23
5. Sara Bareilles - Love On The Rocks

Bye,
Charlie S
x.

Things I Don't Like Today.

Pretty self explanatory, i'll try 10.

1. Dave Berry.
2. Summer Clothes from Burton.
3. John Mayer's fat mouth.
4. Couples that buy Frappucino's
5. Single mothers on Jeremy Kyle.
6. People that become fans of shit like "sleeping" and "bubblewrap" on Facebook.
7. You, probably.
8. Rice Crispie adverts.
9. Fat people that smoke.
10. People that mix 1st and 3rd persons in their status.
11. 808's & Heartbreak.

B&B with a little weed.

If anyone can guess what the title of this post is, I will buy you more than a pint.

This post will feature many short sentences like this. I think. Drunken tangents might occur.

I watched the Wigan Vs Man United match tonight over several pints of Guinness and some Nobby's Nuts. Wigan played well, certainly better than when Everton played them and scored 4-0. Jo, Jo, Jo!

I hate older guys (like 30+) that wear those god awful SHORT SLEEVED checkered shirts (clearly from Next) that try and be cool and get in with slaggy girls in clubs like Arriba in Ormskirk. Seriously, shouldn't you be married?
...Maybe you should stop supporting Man United.
...THERE'S ONLY ONE JAGIELKA!!!
Crippled bastard! How are we meant to win Chelski now?!

I was told tonight buy a drunken chav that I have an "awesome haircut"
...Which was then changed to a "grass haircut".

Luckily, these two lads that I knew in primary & high school, assured this guy that I "was sound".

That's a benefit of getting to know chavvy type guys, they save your ass when you're in danger, probably.

Mamaris wasn't open, I wanted a burger, they should take a leaf out of Shiraz's book and stay open all night.

I just told a girl that she sounds awesome in bed. Shit. Haha!

Go and listen to Deftones, especially White Pony.

As much as i HATE (capitals on purpose) Kings Of Leon. Mcfearless is great.

Nope, definately short sentences.

Don't you hate it when you see someone that kinda looks like your ex? I saw 2 tonight, it was devastating.

Byeee.
x.

Guess The Song

"Lets all get up and dance to a song
that was a hit before your mother was born
Though she was born a long long time ago
........"

Guess the next line and i'll buy you a pint.

In other news, I like Disaronno.

I played at the Carling Academy tonight, it was okay.

100% Dundee

I really like revising.

Yesterday in Southport the amount of wasteofflesh scumbags I saw drinking frappucino's made me want to punch my niece. Considering the weather was about at subtle as a brick to face aswell added to my anger. It was pissing down with rain and people were drinking ice cold drinks, the fuck.

Anyways, watch this video. And listen to The Roots.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haPnYi0XWcs

Idea for a TV show.

From the creators of the smash hit Strictly Come Dancing!

...It's Strictly Come Faces!

McNuggets

Are simply the best drunken foodstuffs ever. The look on the Drive Thru (gangsta spelling) peoples face is world class when you order 60 of them after 4 pints of the black stuff. I'm sure playing The Earth Song at full blast through your car's speakers doesn't help either. Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to my Thursday night.

The cat threw up before, and it looked like a large helping of corned beef hash. Domesticity being my forté however, means that I cleaned it up without hassle.

That, out of a cats mouth. Seriously.

I've just come back off "the road". Yes, i've been on a mini tour. Unfortunately I didn't get high on gak and shag 7 women, but I did don my Everton shirt and get in the shower with a sleeping bass player. I also signed a flyer for some girl, Rock and Roll. I'm waiting for the NME to come to my door and interview me, to which I will defiantly say:

"Fuck off, you no good indie loving toff pricks".

There is about 20 minutes of footage floating about of me and the band talking about masturbation in a 1 star hotel room in the dankest part of East London, if Myspace will allow us to post it, I glady will.

This video personifies how awesome the 80's were. Shame my only camp memory was seeing a boys cock and losing my sweets. Bad times at Charles Southern High.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra7iJna4MxU&feature=related

I had a dream last night that I went swimming with Thierry Henry whilst eating mussles, we spoke at length about Pixar films and it turned out that he didn't like Finding Nemo, at all.

The one thing that is really pissing me off lately revolves around coffee shops like Costa and Starbucks. I've got that right haven't i? They ARE coffee shops right? Bit of word association, when somebody says Starbucks you do think of COFFEE right?

I can't fucking STAND these toff cunts (usually the shoegaze loving, i dress like my grandma indie kids) that go into a place like Starbucks and order something called a "frappucino", a cold drink that has the coffee content of a pack of Golden fuckin' Wonder. I can't quite put my finger on why I hate this so much, maybe it's cause i'm such a simple Conservative that is about as welcome as a dose of swine flu. But there's just something about it that grinds my gears so much. They're like an iced drink that has all sorts of yumyum ingrediants like chocolate and strawberries and if you walk around town you will see many couples/nobheads drinking them. Why not just get a coffee in Starbucks? and then go to Mandy Moo's for an epic milkshake later? Ahh well, it's better than people that order a fucking Hot Chocolate in a coffee shop. Collossal bellends.

And I wonder why I have approximately 3 friends. I hope i'm making you laugh or offending you deeply.

Anyways, music time, I hope you're all basking in the glory of Spotify.

Since it's summer time and shit, here's a list of non obvious summer songs that you should put into a playlist, put on yer shades, and strut to.

1. John Mayer - Clarity

2. Jamiroquai - Too Young To Die

3. Incubus - Aqueous Transmission (be careful not to piss your pants in relaxation)

4. The Black Crowes - Blackberry

5. Michael Jackson - Burn This Disco Out

6. The Roots - Dynamite!

7. Prince - Love 2 The 9's

8. Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street

9. Dave Matthews Band - #41

10. Bill Withers - Who Is He? (And What Is He To You?)

Get on it kids, fancy a pint?

Nah, thought not.

Charlie S,

x.

These 2 men are my fucking heroes.

My Love, Hey. My Love, Hey. My Love, Hey.

No update since February, hence. This will be long. Go get a cuppa. And get me one.

Top 10 songs of the month. Buy, download, spotify, whatever! just listen.

1. Dashboard Confessional - Don't Wait.

Ultra rip off of Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me" but it's almost as good too. Chris Cararrabbaraaba has a whiney voice and couldn't write an albums worth of decent material if the songs came up and bit him in the arse. But how's this for a single.

2. The Roots - Water.

Since I've gone a bit hip-hop, I thought i'd check out hip-hops greatest act, and it razzle dazzled my fantasmagazzle, yo. It's 10 minutes in length, 6 of which is a sound collage alá Revolution 9. But fuck, that groove makes me wonder why the A&R guys at Murder Inc don't live up to their name, off that 50 pence nonce, and make these guys superstars.

3. Michael Jackson - Earth Song.

We've all heard this one. I spent literally half an hour listening to this song on repeat the other night. Jacko waxing lyrical about how poopoo the earth is isn't half wonderful. The drums sound Off The Wall (pun intended) aswell. Amazing. When you were younger how many of you stood inbetween two trees and sung the end bit to the best of your abilities? I certainly did, confess up.
It's pompous, pretentious, grandiose, and any other synonym I can think of all rolled in to one, and then some.

4. Sara Bareilliesielesies - Many The Miles.

The best A-Cappella section in any song since Temple Of The Dog's Reach Down. Class.

5. Alter Bridge - Blackbird.

The 8 minute centerpiece of the album of the same name was without doubt my favourite song of last year. Seeing it live was something else. Proof that American Hard Rock isn't as painfully shit as what's on the surface (Nicklecrack, or is that Nickelback?...Nickel Creek?). Go go go!

6. Dredg - Ode To The Sun.

Terry Date makes another class record. I can almost guarantee that you do not have a clue who this band is. True, they're little known over here, and their records are a king size pain in the ass to get ahold of, I got my copy of their cd Catch Without Arms in London, this being the first track. Fan of Alternative Progressive Pop? Thought not, listen to it anyway you bunch of Jew fucks.

7. Fightstar - Paint Your Target.

Charlie Simpson has one of those faces that you just want to punch (not to mention a terrific Mikel Arteta monobrow to boot!) and yes, Busted were trite as fuck, but fair play to him for getting out of a situation where he would have been financially stable for life in order to play music he loves. Their albums are 3 star at best, but songs like this piss all over the shite Funeral For A Friend have been calling music for the past 4 years.

8. Ben Folds Five - The Last Polka.

One of my all time favourite bands (out of the upbeat ones anyway). If there ever was a song that should be a staple at Jewish weddings, this is it. Classy.

9. Chris Cornell - Part of Me.

"Timberland knows the way to reach the top of the charts, maybe if I work with him I can perfect the art".

Rivers was being sarcastic there Chris, not offering career advice. This is just failtastic.

I only included this in here to slag off the man who used to be my all-time hero. I'm all for musical growth, but when you team a man on a musical downward spiral with a guy named after a boot, the results can only go one way. That's right, down the shitter.

Go listen to Justin Timberlake do this properly on FutureSex/LoveSound. Or better yet, go stick on some fucking Prince!

10. Lady GaGa - Summerboy.

Let's face it, we all think Just Dance is fantastic. But this one is even better.

Since I forgot to update this fuckin' thing. This is gonna be a long one.

I don't know about you, but whenever Mothers Day/Valentines Day/Generic Holiday that means shit comes around. I notice that a copious amount of stupid, money grabbing everythingthatiswrongwithsociety CD's come out. They're all over the tv.

"The perfect gift for mothers day! The Best of Cannibal Corpse!"

I found one today entitled "Just Great Love Songs" and the track listing proves that this country has gone head first down the shitter, I'm talking late 70's we-need-Margaret-Thatcher-back-in power bad. Just looking at the track listing shows that people don't have a FUCKING CLUE about what a love song is. Some examples.

Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River.

Ok, as if the chorus and video wasn't a big enough of a hint. I'll tell you, this is a song about how trousersnake JT found out that Brit Shit Spears was cheating on him.

"You don't have to say, what you did, I already know, I found out from himmmmm"
Get the connection? Good.

Sara Barielelliesleiels - Love Song.

Seriously, what dumb good for nothing, latté sipping, guardian reading liberal fuck thought that this was actually a Love Song?! Sara Barielles is a smart lass, by simply naming her single "Love Song" her record company loved it, sold it, and reaped the millions it made.

She only wrote the song AFTER her label asked her to write a "love song". She did a "Pork and Beans" and basically slagged off her record label, and the dumb jew fucks bought into it!

"I'm not gonna write you a love song, cause you asked for it, cause you need one"
See my point?
This country.

And finally. Due to the generic cast off love child of Leona Lewis and Whitney Houston, Alexandra Burke, taking Leonard Cohen's classic "Hallelujah" to the top of the charts. It's now seen as a yummy, by the fire with some whipped cream and strawberries love song. Despite the fucking OVERT religious references that no-one seems to get. Jeff Buckley's super-fun-time cover is included in this CD, leading me to believe that he's just dug himself up from his grave, gone BACK to that riverbank and fucking jumped in again!

P.S, The sheer magnitude of people who appear on The Jeremy Kyle show has cemented the idea that I will put a bullet in my brain as soon as I hit 35.

If you've read all of this, feel free to come to one of my gigs and watch me play guitar and stuff. I'll buy you a pint I swear!

Fancy a giggle?

"Um, yeah?".

Okay, watch these then. Take your pick from:

A fat black lady falling off a table:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8EnaLn-OlU

A dog reacting to a fart:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIYySjIyy_I

My personal favourite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6VoFBCE9k

Slipknot goes Pop:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDdQV3a_CRg

A completley credible dance remix of Christian Bale flipping out, actual tears:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTihsJQHt48&feature=related

In other news, I have found the most awesome online programme ever. It's called Spotify.

Like everybody's neighbours kid, most people are stupid and download music illegally, despite insisting that they "love music". Well, if illegal, streaming quality MP3's float your boat, you're probably adopted and your parents don't love you.

I love how people will have no problem spending £130 on an MP3 player but actually paying to put the fucking media ON them is such an effort.

BUT! This spotify programme is like a massive playlist, instead of downloading the songs and commiting a henious act, ommm. You can just listen to whatever you want, whenever you want. Just type in an artist and a bucket load of good sounding records appear. And it's all legal so Lars Ulrich can buy another bunch of shit paintings!


www.spotify.com
I should be getting paid by these people.

Sarah wanted a mention, so hiyur!

Go check out Minus The Bear. All you kids that dress like your grandma should lap this shit up!

Charlie S
x.

Oh Hai!

Well hola, children.

It's been more than half a year since i've written in this, but an idea that Broderick put onto our Myspace the other day made me want to start writing (but more than likely complaining) about shit.

As mentioned in my first post all that time ago, I said that I made a CD every month of the 10 tracks that i'm totally loving at that point in time, well, I still do that, I still have a collection of 7 or 8 mixed cd's tucked away at the bottom of my record collection.

If any of them take your fancy, check them out on the 'tube or take the predictable route and download a shoppy MP3 version of them. If any of you guys actually read this, tell me some songs that you're buzzing off lately, and i'll check them out, fo sho. So, without further ado, here are the tracks.

1. BLUR - No Distance Left To Run.
I don't listen to Blur often, although back in the day I always preferred them over Oasis (who should have stopped after Morning Glory) I never bought one of their records. However, since acquiring their greatest hits after they decided to re-group, this song stuck out like a sore thumb. Go watch the video, they all sleep in it and stuff.

2. Prince & The Revolution - Pop Life.
Prince is my new favourite artist, sure, he's tiny, one hell of a prima donna and a total tight arse for actually HIRING lawyers to take his videos down from Youtube. But they guy is just amazing. All of his big albums are in Zavvi for £7, go and get some. Seriously, put down that copy of Only By The Night, buy Around The World In A Day and listen to this little gem.

3. Say Anything - Died A Jew.
I have a serious penchant for unhappy Yanks moaning about stuff, and Max Bemis is the king of it. After finally getting ahold of In Defense of the Genre, the bass line in this song alone is worth the £9 I spent on it. Don't listen if you're a Christian though, you'll probably gerrin' a huff.

4. Paramore - My Heart.
Fuck Riot. It's a great album and all but their first effort has such a cute charm to it that I find irresistable, this is their best song. Nuff Said.

5. Michael Jackson - Baby Be Mine.
Far and away my favourite Michael Jackson song. "Thriller" is still the greatest pop record ever, the fucking thing sold a million copies in a WEEK, and the session musicians used on the record are all top shelf (Human Nature was practically written by Toto) something pop music nowadays is seriously lacking. Sure, I prefer "Bad" and I listen to "Dangerous" more than both. But, it's fucking "Thriller"!!1?!. It's like, £4 in HMV. Why don't you do yourself a favour and buy it? Get "Off The Wall" whilst you're there too.

6. Beach Boys - I Just Wasn't Made For These Times.
"Pet Sounds" has fast become one of my favourite albums ever, so much so Brian Wilson was my display picture on Facebook for a while, leading to some dopy indie girl thinking it was me before saying I had a rubbish taste in music. Epic loss.com. Anyway, although God Only Knows is clearly the greatest song on the record, this one is second best. Amy, listen to it :P.

7. Mute Math - Noticed.
I'm new to this band. Sure, the singer sounds like Sting, and he plays a friggin Keytar. But this song is undeniably awesome. And they're actually on an Indie label so you Indie kids can legitimately listen to them without looking like you're selling out! Huzzah!

8. Taking Back Sunday - Brooklyn.
Why this wasn't included on "Louder Now" goes beyond me, it's on their Myspace, go check it out.

9. Saosin - Love Maker.
Shit title, Cove sounds rough as toast, but this is the highlight song from their limited edition "Grey EP" that came out last year. Check out their debut album if you're into the post-hardcore, "Receiving end of Sirens" kind of shit. Killer drumming too.

10. Death Cab - What Sarah Said.
I thought Death Cab was one of those bands that only cool, hip indie kids listened to. But since they jumped to major label status and they're now technically a pop act, I thought why the fuck not. Bought "Narrow Stairs", loved it. Heard "Plans", and thought it was even better, with this song being its highlight. Fuck Kings of Leon, these guys are doing modern alternative rock better than anyone, and although most of "Plans" isn't too crunchy, I can't stress how good these guys are.

That's it for now, I'll get back in to my usual routine of ripping people a new one soon enough. So, check these songs out if you like. And don't forget to give me some recommendations too!

That's how, for now.
Charlie S
x.