The Jeremy Kyle Show

Even though I have so much free time due to Uni being out/no fucker employing me/no rehearsal I still like to get up at 9:25 every morning to get my daily dose of this magnificent show, now, I know what you're thinking, how can I possibly like this show considering that I nearly as snobby as Frasier & Niles Crane combined?

This, combined with the fact that ole Jezza is a bit of an annoying tit should mean that I hate this show, you're nearly right, I have a big Love/Hate/Love relationship with this programme. The shameless Alice in Chains quote aside, I shall try and explain the premise of this show and my opinions on it, in a completely ball bustingly funny way, cause I am hilarious like that...right :)?? Answers in an email.

So, it's like any old early morning talk show. No, it's not as unintenionally hilarious as Jerry Springer, it's not as awesomely awesome as the Montel show (man I love that guy) but it's certainly better than the snorefest that is The Trisha Goddard Show, which is about as fun to watch as a loved one be autopsied...Ricki Lake was pretty good though...

I'm loving ellipses at the moment, can you tell?

Before I even talk about the show I have to talk about how much I fucking hate the sponsers ad's of this show. They are provided by some Bingo company of which I forget the name, but man do they piss me off, they mostly feature a bunch of talentless fat slags in very unflattering bathing suits doing completly off the wall hilarious things such as jumping into a pool full of balls, and worst of all is the one that preceeds the show. It features some feckless scumbag wearing a facemask with cucumber over her eyes, which she then eats in a completly fucking gay mischievious manner, and to add insult to injury, a pathetic slogan is inserted over the top. It says:

"For girls who KNOW how to have fun!!1"

'Cause eating cucumber is fucking SO much fun right? I mean I always though stuff like skydiving or bear hunting was fun, but no, this woman shows us that eating fucking cucumber is fun. Good lord. I think the slogan for all Bingo should be.

"Bingo, the Working Class way to piss your benefits away!" Rhymed.

And speaking of bad slogans, whats up with the one for BBC I-Player?

As I'm sure you know, the I-player is a programme on the beeb's website which allows you to watch shows in the week that you might have missed. So right, you've missed the show you normally watch and you're catching up by watching it on the internet, and the slogan is...

"BBC I-Player, making the unmissable, unmissable".

But...surely if it was unmissable you wouldn't have missed it in the first place? Thus rendering this slogan an epic fail?

This country.

Anyways, back to Jeremy Kyle.

So, every day a bunch of jew fucks go on the show to try and sort out their bullshit problems, most of the time you can't tell these people apart I swear to God, they are mostly from places like Accrington, Burnley, Preston, you know, those places where the accents of their residents make you want to hit a child.

They all wear terrible clothes, terrible shoes, they more often than not have a tattoo, which is 9/10 the name of their good for nothing child that couldn't make a spark if he rubbed his two fucking IQ points together. Now, I don't like to generalise but you can with this show and pound for a piece of shit you will be correct, the names of the kids for instance, you can bet that their names are out of Chavvy Kids Names 101, which they probably stole from the library anyway, you name it, they're all there. Wayne, Dwayne, Shane, Waynetta, Chantelle, Leighton (Bainesy is the ONLY person who can get away with that name)

Speaking of which, does anyone think I look like Leighton Baines?

http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&q=Leighton%20Baines&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi

We have the same hair line at least.

My font as changed and I don't know how to change it back, but nevermind. Onwards we go.

The other thing you can pretty much GUARANTEE on this show is how the guys look, you know when you see really "chavvy" people they more often than not have that haircut which is usually a number 3/4 with a short fringe that is gelled down to fuck? They all have this cut, it's like Jeremy Kyle got all of these people from Rent-a-Prick.

And not ONCE have I seen a person that I would consider remotely attractive, hell even the people in the crowd look like they've been dicked in the eye with the thick stick. Have any of you ever seen any member of the opposite sex on this programme that you thought looked half decent? Let me know if you do I am very intruiged.

The only reason I love this show is how good it makes me feel, no matter how bad life gets, I know that I will never have it as bad as these trollops, so to that end, thanks for the confidence Jezza!

But I also love how this programme gives a well educated and well to do fella like Jeremy Kyle the chance to literally rip the shit out of people that are about as useful as a dick-flavoured lollipop. You can see most of the time when the people are getting so pissed off it looks like they'll attack him, but they can't do a thing, ahhh, security. One of the highlights of the show is when Kyle himself tries to sum up a case, he makes such obvious statements such as "IF YOU DIDN'T WANT A CHILD YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT PAL!" or "BLUE IS A COLOUR MATE!" or "Everton are the best yeah!" and when he does the crowd erupts into applause like he's just cracked who offed JFK.

I really don't like how I can't change my font now, there is usually a font tab at the top of my page but it's fucked off and it's giving my OCD something to shout about. Grr.

So that's about it, the perfect show to watch when you're eating your Crunchy Nut Cornflakes in the morning, and when it's finished you can go about your day knowing that you've at least got something going for you. So for that, I salute you Jeremy Kyle, even though I hate the way you shake hands with crowd members as if you haven't done that shot about 4 times over.

Listen to these.

1. Mr Bungle - The Girls of Porn

2. Taylor Swift - Love Story

3. Dashboard Confessional - Clean Breaks

4. Dream Theater - Wither

5. The Mars Volta - Since We've Been Wrong

6. Saosin - Why Can't You See

7. Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too!

8. Taking Back Sunday - Where My Mouth Is

9. Porcupine Tree - Wedding Nails

10. Michael Jackson - all.

Love y'all.

x.

RIP

I remember listening to "Thriller" on cassette in my dad's car back in the early 90's wondering if the song lengths were the time of day they were recorded. Divvy.

I grew up listening to The Beatles to be honest but like pretty much every kid I knew, we all had time for MJ.

I'm listening to "Off The Wall" right now and i'll knock all of his records out today, however good bad or ugly his personal life became, there ain't much music that makes me grin like MJ's...

"Bad" is still one of my all time favourite records.

RIP Speed Demon

New Again

If any of you know what the title of this post refers too, you'll hopefully know that it's a kick ass record yes? If not, wikipedia is your fwend.

Hiya! It's been close to a month since my last one, and I know that I say this on most posts I make, but what the fuck, some people have actually ASKED for an update, so here I am, little old popular me...

I actually jotted some little things down when I was in Southport yesterday so hopefully this one will have a bit more structure to it, just like a lovely essay. I'm shit at conclusions though so it will simply be a tracks of the month type deal, again.

So, I think the right person won The Apprentice, without coming across as a dirty sex pest, I definately think that Yasmina has much more spunk than Kate, which will fit in more in Surallun's business, so that's cool. I have to admit also that I found Yasmina ridiculously attractive, Kate is clearly the most obviously pretty one of the bunch, but she's just...too pretty, i'd constantly feel rubbish if I was with her cause every tom dick & harry who saw us would indeed wonder why some skinny ugly bint scored that. Not that I ever would like.

I'll be honest I found alot of the women on The Apprentice attractive. Firstly, alot of people know that I had a full on fixation with the ginger brummy one, even if she was from Walsall, the home of devastation. Mona scrubbed up well when she got rid of the string beans on top of her head and on occasion Debra looked okay, like when she was on You're Fired, I hope some of you agree with me or else I'll look like a right uncompromising twat.

The one thing we can all agree on though was Lorraine, no question there, she's clearly been shat out of the ugly toad.

This made me laugh today, it was quite failblog ish, you know when you sign on Facebook and there's the "highlights" part on the right of your screen where it shows you the dickheads that become fans of such things as "giggling" and "The Inbetweeners". As I logged on today I was greeted with -

"Biggest Group Attempt in the World!!!" - 4 friends joined.

How very drole.

Do you reckon anybody in Dream Theater has the balls to tell Mike Portnoy that his lyrics are shit?

Anyways, once again this week I was heavily disappointed by another girl. Now over the past 6 months or so I have been cancelled/forgotten by...8 girls I believe. I had asked these girls on a date, to which they agreed, before them letting me know that it wasn't gonna happen, here's the reasons i've been given...

- "I'm not gonna come tonight :)" - The smiley was there, I swear to God.
- "I'm quite busy" - we all are darling, don't agree to go on a date with me then, terrorhawk.
- "I don't think it's a good idea" - Thankyou.
- "I missed my train lets leave it :)" - ..."stopping off at, rejection, disappointment, backstabbing central and shattered dreams parkway"
- "I thought it was tomorrow" - Bet you did.
- "Can we rearrange I have an exam" - That you DIDN'T know about for 3 months?
- "I'm tired i'm just gonna go home"

And on 2 occasions I simply didn't hear from the girl. There, that's 9 times i've been fully devastated by boobie people. And as you can imagine, this has done wonders for my self esteem :)...not.

This is how ruptured my tolerance level's for girls has become, in Heebie Jeebies the other night, as I was leaving, I was walking through the congregation (members of the "I'm a typical boring, drunk cunt church) when some girl literally grabbed ahold of me (a very pretty girl at that) and said "I LOVE your T-shirt!". With her hands still on me, i lifted mine up in the air like I was under arrest, said "thankyou very much" and left. Now, I know that she only grabbed me to tell me about my shirt, which isn't exactly "Fancy a shag?". But, if I had any interest in women anymore I might have blurted out something completely horny as "well...you should see me without my shirt on lul ;)". But I didn't, I think it's gotten to a point now where my penis has actually fell off, rendering me asexual like some kind of plant, or smurf...

I applied for a job in HMV yesterday, now many will tell you, due to the fact that I actually fucking BUY cd's & dvd's, and have an OCD with regards to how they are stored (alphabetically, oh yes) within my collection, that I am a rather brilliant candidate for this job. But, once again, knowing my luck, some hopped up indie cunt/chavvy slag will get the job, probably because they downloaded The Script's album at 128kps and declared it as their favourite album evarrrrr!

If this is the case, I will walk into the HMV, find the new employee and ask them this...

"...Hi :), i'm trying to buy a present for a friend of mine, he's really into progressive tech music, could you recommend some bands for me?"

I doubt they'll tell me that Meshuggah's "Destroy/Erase/Improve" is the seminal work in the area, but they'll be more than happy to tell me how much they enjoy the new Kings of Leon album.

I'm finding myself watching R Kelly's "hip-opera" "Trapped in the Closet", I thought 85 minutes of one groove and chord progression would get fucking boring, but man, there's something about this that makes me wanna keep watching. Crazy fucker. Youtube it, it'll stick in your mind like Chocolate Rain did. Whoever commissioned that one at Jive Records must be on something hella good.

Right, why buy a Hot Chocolate in Starbucks? - like the post below, I said that it's silly to do so when you're in a coffee shop, but the thing is, they use Cadburys Chocolate Powder and mix it with Whole Milk, something that would cost you £2 less if you went to a little café that did the same thing. This country.

"Please vote Green, make the country Green!" - And now the country is awash with Conservative Blue, victory.

Well, that's me for this week. Spotify these.

1. Faith No More - Stripsearch
2. Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
3. Taking Back Sunday - New Again
4. Jimmy Eat World - 23
5. Sara Bareilles - Love On The Rocks

Bye,
Charlie S
x.