Public Enemies.

Now then, i'll throw in a disclaimer here simply stating that I will be relaying my opinion of this film onto you, my loyal readers, so don't be all ner ner disappointed if you don't laugh, after all, my dream job at one point was to be a film critic, so here i'll flex my cinematic muscles, hopefully they won't be as puny as my real muscles. Lul.

So, Public Enemies.
The latest film from one of all my all time favourite directors, Michael Mann. "Heat" has been my favourite film for well over a decade now, and quite frankly nothing else comes even close to it in my book, but even so, Mann has directed some absolute belters, "Collateral", "The Insider" and "Last of The Mohicans" are all splendid films too, however, in 05' he somehow lost it and made a torrid fucking film adaptation of "Miami Vice" which was about as entertaining as a Russell Howard stand up, that's right I went there.

I thought that "Miami Vice" was just gonna be a tiny little red cross on an otherwise impeccable film CV, however, much to my motherfucking chagrin, he's gone and made another rubbish film! Fucks Sake Michael!

Now, it's nowhere near as bad as Vice was, and it certainly isn't as bad as the summer tosh that is storming up the charts right now (Transformers 2, I haven't even seen it to know it's bad) but it is frightening how much this film falls short. In almost every aspect it is lacking, big time. Let's talk about its biggest problem first, the cinematography.

Once again, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Mann chose to shoot the film in the sort of Blair Witch meets Cloverfield hand held style that was used to great effect in "Collateral". The style has become increasingly popular since Paul Fucking Greengrass used the technique more times than i can bloody well count in the second Borne film. Now, this technique worked incredibly well in "Collateral" because the film was set in the present day, it was fast paced, frenetic and incredibly stylish, without losing any of Mann's trademarks. It also worked because a good 50% of the film was based in a taxi cab, not a bunch of grandiose set pieces.

However, this film is set in 1933, not 2009. There are massive set pieces all over the show and there is an epic feel to the film, it clocks in at nearly 2 and a half hours for starters, not to mention the costumes, the sets, the music, the cast. On paper, this is an epic. And yet it is filmed like a friggin' fly on the wall documentary. If you're trying to make an epic, film it like one. Just imagine is Paul Thomas Anderson filmed "There Will Be Blood" on his neighbours 8mm? Something tells me that wouldn't have worked.

Second of all, the acting. Mann's casts are usually stellar, even though "Miami Vice" was a total snorefest it wasn't cause of the acting I can tell you that. Johnny Depp is his usual dark, broody iwontgiveyouanycluesaboutmycharacter self, which in turn means that he plays one of the most eccentric and genius criminal masterminds of recent memory in the dullest manner possible. If John Dillinger was a fictional character and he played it like that no fucker would have remembered him, I can also tell you that, we're talking about a criminal who escaped from jail using a model gun made out of soap, and they picked Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands mode to play him, snore.

Christian Bale has seemingly forgotten how to give a decent performance, the last film he made that I really gave a shit about was "Harsh Times".

Marion Cotillard mainly spent her time looking confused and/or disappointed, it was hard to tell if she was acting or if she was genuinely disappointed that she was involved in such a dire film.

Infact, the only actors who had a bit of personality to them (Giovanni Ribisi & the ever awesome Stephen Graham) had their parts restricted to mere minutes, meaning that the majority of the film was spent under the eye of mind numbing performances from otherwise terrific actors.

The 1973 "Dillinger" starring Warren Oates is ten times the film this is, go watch that if you have any interest in the story at all.

4/10, go watch "Heat" instead.