Even though I have so much free time due to Uni being out/no fucker employing me/no rehearsal I still like to get up at 9:25 every morning to get my daily dose of this magnificent show, now, I know what you're thinking, how can I possibly like this show considering that I nearly as snobby as Frasier & Niles Crane combined?
This, combined with the fact that ole Jezza is a bit of an annoying tit should mean that I hate this show, you're nearly right, I have a big Love/Hate/Love relationship with this programme. The shameless Alice in Chains quote aside, I shall try and explain the premise of this show and my opinions on it, in a completely ball bustingly funny way, cause I am hilarious like that...right :)?? Answers in an email.
So, it's like any old early morning talk show. No, it's not as unintenionally hilarious as Jerry Springer, it's not as awesomely awesome as the Montel show (man I love that guy) but it's certainly better than the snorefest that is The Trisha Goddard Show, which is about as fun to watch as a loved one be autopsied...Ricki Lake was pretty good though...
I'm loving ellipses at the moment, can you tell?
Before I even talk about the show I have to talk about how much I fucking hate the sponsers ad's of this show. They are provided by some Bingo company of which I forget the name, but man do they piss me off, they mostly feature a bunch of talentless fat slags in very unflattering bathing suits doing completly off the wall hilarious things such as jumping into a pool full of balls, and worst of all is the one that preceeds the show. It features some feckless scumbag wearing a facemask with cucumber over her eyes, which she then eats in a completly fucking gay mischievious manner, and to add insult to injury, a pathetic slogan is inserted over the top. It says:
"For girls who KNOW how to have fun!!1"
'Cause eating cucumber is fucking SO much fun right? I mean I always though stuff like skydiving or bear hunting was fun, but no, this woman shows us that eating fucking cucumber is fun. Good lord. I think the slogan for all Bingo should be.
"Bingo, the Working Class way to piss your benefits away!" Rhymed.
And speaking of bad slogans, whats up with the one for BBC I-Player?
As I'm sure you know, the I-player is a programme on the beeb's website which allows you to watch shows in the week that you might have missed. So right, you've missed the show you normally watch and you're catching up by watching it on the internet, and the slogan is...
"BBC I-Player, making the unmissable, unmissable".
But...surely if it was unmissable you wouldn't have missed it in the first place? Thus rendering this slogan an epic fail?
This country.
Anyways, back to Jeremy Kyle.
So, every day a bunch of jew fucks go on the show to try and sort out their bullshit problems, most of the time you can't tell these people apart I swear to God, they are mostly from places like Accrington, Burnley, Preston, you know, those places where the accents of their residents make you want to hit a child.
They all wear terrible clothes, terrible shoes, they more often than not have a tattoo, which is 9/10 the name of their good for nothing child that couldn't make a spark if he rubbed his two fucking IQ points together. Now, I don't like to generalise but you can with this show and pound for a piece of shit you will be correct, the names of the kids for instance, you can bet that their names are out of Chavvy Kids Names 101, which they probably stole from the library anyway, you name it, they're all there. Wayne, Dwayne, Shane, Waynetta, Chantelle, Leighton (Bainesy is the ONLY person who can get away with that name)
Speaking of which, does anyone think I look like Leighton Baines?
We have the same hair line at least.
My font as changed and I don't know how to change it back, but nevermind. Onwards we go.
The other thing you can pretty much GUARANTEE on this show is how the guys look, you know when you see really "chavvy" people they more often than not have that haircut which is usually a number 3/4 with a short fringe that is gelled down to fuck? They all have this cut, it's like Jeremy Kyle got all of these people from Rent-a-Prick.
And not ONCE have I seen a person that I would consider remotely attractive, hell even the people in the crowd look like they've been dicked in the eye with the thick stick. Have any of you ever seen any member of the opposite sex on this programme that you thought looked half decent? Let me know if you do I am very intruiged.
The only reason I love this show is how good it makes me feel, no matter how bad life gets, I know that I will never have it as bad as these trollops, so to that end, thanks for the confidence Jezza!
But I also love how this programme gives a well educated and well to do fella like Jeremy Kyle the chance to literally rip the shit out of people that are about as useful as a dick-flavoured lollipop. You can see most of the time when the people are getting so pissed off it looks like they'll attack him, but they can't do a thing, ahhh, security. One of the highlights of the show is when Kyle himself tries to sum up a case, he makes such obvious statements such as "IF YOU DIDN'T WANT A CHILD YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT PAL!" or "BLUE IS A COLOUR MATE!" or "Everton are the best yeah!" and when he does the crowd erupts into applause like he's just cracked who offed JFK.
I really don't like how I can't change my font now, there is usually a font tab at the top of my page but it's fucked off and it's giving my OCD something to shout about. Grr.
So that's about it, the perfect show to watch when you're eating your Crunchy Nut Cornflakes in the morning, and when it's finished you can go about your day knowing that you've at least got something going for you. So for that, I salute you Jeremy Kyle, even though I hate the way you shake hands with crowd members as if you haven't done that shot about 4 times over.
Listen to these.
1. Mr Bungle - The Girls of Porn
2. Taylor Swift - Love Story
3. Dashboard Confessional - Clean Breaks
4. Dream Theater - Wither
5. The Mars Volta - Since We've Been Wrong
6. Saosin - Why Can't You See
7. Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too!
8. Taking Back Sunday - Where My Mouth Is
9. Porcupine Tree - Wedding Nails
10. Michael Jackson - all.
Love y'all.
x.
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